“Am I Unlovable?”: The Pain of the Superego Voice

A client once told me about a weekend away with friends. She’d spent time with people who genuinely cared about her — people she laughed with, relaxed around, and felt close to.

But when I asked how it felt to remember that, she paused.

“It was nice… but it doesn’t count.”

I asked her what she meant. She looked down and said:

“Because they don’t really know me. If they did, they wouldn’t love me.”

This moment wasn’t unusual. In fact, I hear versions of this all the time in therapy. It’s not just self-doubt. It’s a deep conviction: if people saw the real me, they’d reject me.

And it often points to something important going on beneath the surface — a kind of inner attack that’s been happening for years.

The Inner Critic: What You’re Feeling Might Not Be Coming from You

When someone says, “I’m not lovable,” it can feel like a simple fact. But in many cases, that’s not a fact — it’s an internalised voice.

In ISTDP, we call this the superego — the part of the mind that turns against us, often without us realising it. It develops early, shaped by how we were treated, especially in moments where we needed love or comfort and were instead met with criticism, distance, or shame.

Those experiences become internalised. Instead of recognising, “I wasn’t met with the care I needed,” we form an unconscious belief: “There must be something wrong with me.”

So when someone shows warmth in adulthood, that internal critic — the superego — steps in automatically:

“They don’t really mean it.”

“You’re just fooling them.”

“If they knew the truth, they’d leave too.”

What’s happening here is projection. The superego’s attack — which originates inside — gets projected outward. You don’t just feel judged by yourself; you feel judged by everyone around you.

And this keeps you locked in a cycle of longing for connection but not being able to let it in.

Why This Defence Exists

It’s important to say: this isn’t a sign of weakness or brokenness. It’s a defence — and it formed for a reason.

When we’re young, we rely on our caregivers not just for safety, but for our basic sense of who we are. If love is inconsistent, or conditional, or tinged with shame, the child’s mind adapts:

“If I act a certain way, I’ll be loved. If I stop needing too much, maybe they’ll stay. If I become perfect, maybe I’ll be safe.”

That strategy can help us survive emotionally in childhood — but it comes at a cost. As adults, we may keep performing, pleasing, or doubting ourselves… without realising that it’s the same old adaptation playing out in new relationships.

The critic stays active. The love doesn’t land.

And it reinforces the same painful story: I’m unlovable.

How Therapy Can Help

Back in the session, when I asked the client what it would mean to let in the love her friends were offering, her eyes welled up.

“I think I’d just start crying… and not be able to stop.”

That was the grief speaking — not just about her friends, but about something much earlier. The child who had longed to be seen and accepted, and had learned instead to expect distance, disapproval, or silence.

But right after that feeling came up, another voice cut in:

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“You’re too much.”

“No one wants to hear this.”

This is the moment where change starts to happen in ISTDP.

Instead of getting pulled into that self-attack, we slow things down and begin to differentiate between:

• the self — the one who feels grief, longing, or vulnerability

• the superego — the internal critic that attacks the self for having those feelings

We bring curiosity to the process.

• Who’s speaking right now?

• Is that your belief — or someone else’s voice you’ve internalised?

• Who in your past treated you this way? Who couldn’t tolerate your feelings?

This process allows the “observing self” — what we often call the who — to come forward. You stop just feeling bad and start to notice what’s making you feel that way.

And from there, something even more important becomes possible:

We help the client connect not just to their grief, but to their rightful anger — not toward themselves, but toward the people who made them feel unlovable in the first place.

This is a pivotal shift. Because often, the superego is fuelled by rage that’s been turned inward. Rage that couldn’t be directed at an unavailable or rejecting parent, so it was redirected at the self.

But when that anger is finally felt — and directed at its true source — the inner critic begins to lose power.

Instead of being stuck in a loop of self-attack → shame → withdrawal, the client can begin to access a deeper truth:

I was never unlovable. I was just unloved in the way I needed.

This opens the door to new experiences of connection. Ones that can actually be taken in — not dismissed, deflected, or disbelieved.

If This Struggle Feels Familiar

If part of you longs for connection but another part pulls away… if love feels confusing or unsafe… if you’re tired of questioning whether people really like you…

You’re not broken. You’re protecting yourself.

And that protection probably made a lot of sense at one time.

Therapy can help you make sense of your patterns — not just by understanding them, but by experiencing something different in the room. A space where you can feel, notice, and challenge the inner critic. A space where you don’t have to hide your real self.

And in that space, something quiet but powerful starts to emerge:

Not the question “Am I lovable?”

But the certainty: “I always was.”

Want to take the next step?

If this post resonates with you, you might find my free guide on emotional defences helpful. It’s designed to help you recognise the subtle ways we protect ourselves — and how to start working through them.

👉 Download the free guide

Or, if you’re ready to explore therapy, you can learn more about how I work here.