When Crying Isn’t What It Seems: A Case Study on Defence, Anxiety, and Emotions in Therapy

Reevaluating Crying: A Defensive Reaction?

Crying is often perceived as a sign of sadness and release. In therapy, tears are typically seen as breakthroughs—a sign that something real is emerging. They are thought to signal vulnerability and the first step toward healing.

However, crying doesn’t always equate to release. In some cases, it may serve as a defence, protecting the individual from deeper, more vulnerable emotions. In ISTDP (Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy), we focus not only on what clients express, but also on how, when, and why they express it. By doing so, we can discern whether an emotional response is moving the client closer to truth or pulling them further away from it.

Case Example: When Crying Becomes a Defence

Client: “I just feel like I can’t do anything right. I keep messing everything up—at work, with my partner, with my family…”

(Global self-attack – a defence that turns emotion inward. Likely a superego response: an internalised, punitive voice shaped by past relationships, offering a blueprint for how emotions were handled earlier in life—by self-blame and collapse.)

(Tears begin to fall. She curls inwards slightly, eyes cast down.)

(Regressive defence – posture and tears signal collapse into helplessness. Anxiety likely rising.)

Therapist: “As those tears come—can we notice what’s happening in your body right now?”

(Tracking anxiety and supporting somatic awareness to slow things down. The therapist brings the client’s attention inward, helping them build on an observation so they can begin to understand their own experience and assess what’s happening more clearly.)

Client: “I feel… like I just want to disappear.”

(Withdrawal – a defence that pulls away from emotional contact. The client’s wish to hide or pull away further confirms for the therapist that this is a defensive response rather than a direct expression of underlying feeling.)

Therapist: “That sounds powerful. Let’s stay with that for a moment. What’s it like inside—your chest, your stomach?”

(Grounding back into the body to regulate and assess anxiety.)

Client: “My chest feels tight. My stomach’s fluttery.”

(Anxiety in the body – striated and smooth muscle activation. These are signs of a rise in anxiety, further suggesting this is not a full expression of feeling, but a physiological signal that the emotional system is under threat.)

Therapist: “And as we sit with that—do the tears feel like they’re helping something come out, or more like they’re pulling you away from something difficult?”

(Exploring whether the crying is emotional expression or a defensive pattern.)

Client: “I feel like I’m five years old.”

(Regressive state – a younger ego position that often appears when adult emotions like anger or grief are defended against.)

Therapist: “That’s important. Can we notice that experience of feeling small—just gently stay with it together?”

(Acknowledging the defence without reinforcing it. Therapist offers containment and presence.)

Client: (Nods.)

Therapist: “Is there any sense of another feeling underneath that? Even a hint?”

(Gently testing for the emergence of a warded-off feeling as defences begin to loosen.)

Client: (After a pause.) “I’m angry. But I’m not allowed to be.”

(Breakthrough – the defended-against emotion comes into awareness. A shift toward emotional truth.)

Therapist: “There it is. That makes sense. Sometimes the system pulls us into tears, into collapse, because the anger is just too risky. But now you’re starting to feel it. That’s really important.”

(Linking the emotional experience to the defensive process. Affirming the client’s courage and honesty.)

(The client and therapist notice a rise in anxiety, as the punitive superego starts to emerge—an internal voice of judgment that reinforces the belief that anger is unacceptable. This is an important turning point.)

The Next Steps: Exploring Anger Without Fear

As the client begins to access their anger, the therapist might notice a rise in anxiety. The internalised, punitive superego—the voice that condemns or dismisses emotional expression—could start to emerge, reinforcing the belief that anger is unacceptable. The therapist would gently explore this inner critic with the client, helping them uncover its origins and understand how it has shaped their emotional responses.

By tracing the roots of the superego and understanding its function, the client can start to challenge these limiting beliefs. This opens the door for the client to experience and express their anger more authentically, without the shame or fear that previously accompanied it. Over time, they can learn to experience and express their emotions fully, free from the defences that once protected them from confronting deeper feelings.

Begin Recognising Your Own Emotional Defences

This case study highlights the importance of differentiating between genuine emotional expression and defensive responses like crying. By tracking the body’s signals and encouraging somatic awareness, a therapist can help clients identify when they’re avoiding their true feelings.

Through this process, clients can gain a deeper understanding of their emotional patterns and defences. This awareness empowers them to move past these barriers, allowing for a more authentic and full emotional experience.

Reflecting on Your Own Patterns

Have you ever noticed how your emotions shift when you’re under stress? Are there moments when you find yourself retreating or avoiding certain feelings? How might you begin to notice your own emotional defences and start addressing them?

If you’d like to dive deeper into understanding emotional defences and how they might be holding you back, consider downloading my free ebook or reaching out for therapy. I’m here to support you in uncovering and understanding your emotions more fully. Absolutely — here’s that final section again with the link added into the CTA. You can insert your actual URL in place of the placeholder:

Reflecting on Your Own Patterns

Have you ever noticed how your emotions change in moments of stress or conflict? Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed, tearful, or disconnected—but aren’t sure why? These responses might be more than just emotional—they could be protective patterns shaped by past experiences.

Beginning to observe how you respond, both emotionally and physically, is an important first step. If you’re curious about these patterns in yourself and want to understand them more deeply, you might find my free ebook a helpful place to start. And if you feel ready to explore this work further, I offer in-person sessions in Nottingham and online across the UK and Europe.

Download the free guide or get in touch to begin working through the deeper patterns that might be keeping you stuck.