How ISTDP Therapy Helps You Break Free from Perfectionism

Do you feel like nothing you do is ever quite good enough?

Do you hold yourself to impossible standards, and then punish yourself for not meeting them?

If so, you’re not alone.

And you’re not weak, lazy, or failing.

You’ve likely just learned to treat yourself in a way that helped you survive once, but now it’s keeping you stuck.

Perfectionism isn’t about high standards. It’s about fear, self-attack, and emotional pain.

The good news? There’s a way to work through it.

In the therapy I practise, Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy (ISTDP), we don’t just manage the symptoms of perfectionism.

We help you understand and resolve the emotional drivers underneath it.

What Perfectionism Really Is

Perfectionism often looks like working hard, being conscientious, or striving to improve.

But underneath, it can feel like:

• A relentless voice criticising everything you do

• Shame when you fall short — even slightly

• Paralysis or procrastination because the pressure feels unbearable

• A constant fear of being judged, exposed, or not good enough

People with perfectionistic tendencies often grew up believing they had to earn love through achievement, compliance, or flawless behaviour.

The perfectionism isn’t random. It’s a defence — a way to manage deeper emotional pain.

Why the Inner Critic Feels So Powerful

The perfectionist voice inside doesn’t come from nowhere.

It’s usually shaped by early experiences: maybe harsh expectations from parents, fear of punishment, or subtle emotional withdrawal when you didn’t perform.

Over time, these experiences get internalised.

You start treating yourself the way you were once treated, holding yourself to impossible standards and attacking yourself when you fall short.

This becomes a form of self-regulation:

Attack yourself before someone else can. Demand more before anyone else criticises.

But eventually, it takes a toll — on your energy, confidence, relationships, and mental health.

How ISTDP Helps You Shift Perfectionism at the Root

In ISTDP, we don’t just ask you to be kinder to yourself.

We help you understand why it’s been so hard to do that, and what’s been standing in the way.

Here’s what we focus on:

• Identifying self-attack as a defence, not a truth about you

• Bringing emotional awareness to what you feel in your body, anxiety levels, and how you avoid painful feelings

• Accessing and processing unconscious guilt, shame, and anger that drive the perfectionist behaviour

• Helping you feel emotions you’ve previously blocked, often sadness, grief, or rage from past experiences where you were expected to be perfect

It’s about helping you feel safe enough to relate to yourself in a different way, one that doesn’t rely on constant self-punishment.

Real-Life Examples of ISTDP and Perfectionism

Sara’s Story

Sara was a high-performing executive who worked 80-hour weeks and still felt she wasn’t doing enough. She was exhausted, anxious, and disconnected from her relationships.

In therapy, Sara began to see how her drive to be perfect was shaped by early messages that love had to be earned.

As she processed the sadness and anger from those early experiences, she started to shift, allowing herself to set fairer expectations, rest without guilt, and relate to herself with more warmth.

Noah’s Story

Noah was a university student who dreaded public speaking. Every presentation triggered intense anxiety because he believed any mistake meant he was a failure.

Through ISTDP, Noah realised he wasn’t afraid of classmates judging him, he was replaying the judgment he turned on himself.

As he worked through his feelings of shame and unconscious guilt, the anxiety lost its grip. He was finally able to speak up without the fear of being “not enough.”

You Can Let Go of the Inner Critic

Perfectionism may feel like it protects you, but it’s actually keeping you from living.

You don’t have to meet impossible standards to be worthy.

And you don’t have to keep hurting yourself to stay safe.

With the right support, you can begin to understand why you’ve treated yourself this way and how to move beyond it.

If this sounds familiar and you’re ready to work on perfectionism in a deeper way, you can learn more about how I work here, or get in touch here.

I offer online therapy across the UK and Europe, as well as in-person sessions in Nottingham.